Recently I realized the word hatred was not strong enough for how I felt about my job. I also realized that while I am good at giving advice, I don’t always follow it. This is a story about two days (a few days ago). A culmination of events that lead to a revelation.
A few days ago I was driving home from my job when I got a phone call. It was the one I’d been waiting on, the call back. Yet, it didn’t go how I expected. While the interviewer had told me that I was her favorite during and after the interview and it was looking like I was going to get the job, she called back and told me the man they had decided to go with had sales experience which made him better for the marketing internship. She told me she was sorry, that I was perfect, and there was nothing more I could have done. I thanked her for calling me and letting me know, hung up the phone, and cried for almost the rest of the day.
I was mad. I thought she had changed her mind when she found out I was engaged. I was upset because I thought she lied about me being the top candidate. I was confused as to why sales experience would help this mystery man schedule hotel rooms, run social media, work on signs, and learn about marketing more than my years of experience doing those exact things. I was furious that I had yet again gotten to the final interview before getting told no, it was the fifth time. I even cried on the way to work the next day.
Then I realized, something was wrong. Not getting a job shouldn’t effect me like this, especially since it was the fifth time in only three months. Obviously it was something deeper. I had known for some time how miserable I was at my current position. After all, that’s why I was looking for a new job. On that day, though, I realized just how deep it went. I felt drained, killed, disrespected, hated, lonely, and dead. I looked on WordPress, searching for someone who felt like me, preferably one who had done something about it.
These articles caught my attention.
Once I read those, I began to think.
Was it really worth working 26 hours a week just to spend the other 90-ish hours a week I was awake dreading going back to work?
No. Some people tell you to keep your job until you find a new one. Society makes you think that if you just stick in there for long enough, it will get better. I’m here to say that it does not. The job is have is draining the life out of me. I no longer want to workout, I no longer want to write, I no longer want to see MadDogge or MadCat. I don’t care about minimalism, saving money, or traveling. All I want is to come home, go to class, and go to sleep.
I’ve worked in my current position for almost a year now, pushing and waiting on the “it’ll get better” moment, yet it has never never come.
Mindfulness is about being more aware of our life and those of the ones around you. It’s about being happy. I was not happy. I thought that if I pushed long enough, like every said, I would be. What I needed to learn was that my happy is not theirs. Yes, I already knew that, but I really needed to learn it.
My thoughts drifted to minimalism.
Was this job something that needed to be cut from my life?
Was this job making my life better?
Would I be better off without it?
It seems that mindfulness and minimalism may go more hand in hand than I had thought previously. This job was just like a TV. It was something that could be evaluated and examined. It had a value, pros, and cons. When I asked the same questions about my job as I did the TV, I realized that while a TV provided me with Netflix and Video Games, the job provided with with a disproportionate amount of stress. It was time to cut the string.
I have a week left of work and no job lined up after it. I feel a pressure lifted off of me. Sure, there is work to come and I may get denied for five more jobs but this time it will be ok. In fact, as I sit typing this, I’m sitting in the sun, relaxing. I’m enjoying the feeling of being true to me. The feeling of not hating existence. Not wanting to crawl out of my skin or get hit by a car just to get out of working. Being happy.
Next, I am going to apply for some jobs, think about what I want to do, and maybe get a part time job at an art gallery or maybe a garden (or maybe something else) until I can find something more. Life is looking up again.
What does MadMan think?
It’s funny really. He saw it all before I did. He’s told me to quit a great many times citing lack of respect and the drain I feel working there. When this last thing happened, he told me again, while I was crying.
Needless to say, he’s happy because I’m happy. He’s even happier that I can begin to do something that I want to do.
How can my story help you?
When I talk about mindfulness I talk about being aware of yourself, others, your feelings, your goals, your dreams, and so much more. When I talk about Minimalism I tell you to ask if this object is making you happy, if it’s adding value to your life.
Now I say combine those two, something I was not doing quite right.
Ask yourself if the job you have is adding value to your life and making you happy.
Ask if quitting would improve you mood so much that maybe money isn’t the biggest problem you have to worry about.
Look out for the lessons you can learn in each event. Knowing something to be true isn’t always enough. Sometimes you have to experience it.
Make sure that when you think about if you are happy, you really think about what you can do about it. Sure, you can push through, but maybe that’s not what you need to do.
Life is mad. It’s time to simplify.
It’s time to set a goal.
Simply to be happy.